Category Archives: family

.:34:. Diving in the D e e p…

Posted in family, Motherhood, Parenthood, parenting by
Interstate Park | Taylor’s Falls, MN

The first day I became a parent was the first day I subconsciously gave myself boundaries. Boundaries that kept me and my little family safe. Boundaries that kept me from danger, that wound me up a little too tight, that left me more fragile than ever. I found myself protective, worried, easily offended, concerned about the future and if what I was doing for the sweet ones I held tightly in my arms, even mattered… feeling so safe in the in the shallow end that I often felt like I was drowning. I didn’t know it, but I was afraid. Afraid of so many unknowns that I felt I needed to know.

Seven years later, as I sit here still – looking at my little gals run around, imagine, question, learn, love, laugh, and fight hard – I feel resilient, proud, successful, pure joy, big love… but I am still tethered to a fear that only a mother can hold onto. A fear that makes waves in my heart and rip-tides in my gut. A fear of the unknown future in a time when so much change has recently happened – from a pandemic that continues to quietly swirl around us, to a time of serious protest and injustice where valuable voices are being blurred behind destruction, but most importantly – finally heard with intention.

This world is an ocean – 71% to be exact – and our islands are not always safe havens. I often find myself sitting at the oceans’s bottom, holding my breathe – watching sharks fight, jelly fish float, dolphins dance and whales make waves. It’s a beautiful (and unnerving) feeling to take it all in, but I can’t hold my breathe that long. Resurfacing is a release. Coming up for air is necessary, pulling me away from the discomfort that I found some sort of peace in. We all need to remind ourselves to come up for air but to also remember that when we Dive into the D e e p, we are not alone. When we sink into the dark sea, we are strong and valuable. We are surrounded by a beautiful chaos that needs us – a vast ocean filled with unknowns and fear. Filled with life and change.

So as I resurface, I write. I write to release fear little by little – while dipping my toes in the water and staring into the abyss, knowing full well that I will retreat again… not entirely sure I will have enough oxygen.

I’m happy to reveal, that my motherly boundaries have loosened a little bit, while I continue to challenge myself to face and embrace even the smallest of fears. The fears that surround us as we seek peace in the D e e p. I’ve slowly felt introversion take over my past extrovert and I’m surprisingly OK with this. Ambivert, I am. I would compare this realization to (since I’m all about analogies) peeling off a diving suit – a thick, neoprene, restrictive diving suit. Confident and daring while wearing it, but clearly confined.

Have you ever thought about casting a net before diving in? Working hard to remove the danger before you make the jump? It’s impossible. So much lurks and blends in, deception hides and reveals it’s self at your weak moments. So, if these fears are unavoidable how do we let life in – unfiltered, no net… without getting hurt, without experiencing deep pain? The answer is, we don’t. We don’t do it without a piercing of the heart, a tear in our soul, a wound, a scar, a revelation – a reminder that we are human and diving in the D e e p is a risk we all take at our own time. So, don’t waste your time with a net because you can’t control what will seep out.

When I dive into the D e e p, I am now challenging myself to take in the beauty of it’s symbiotic chaos, the circle of life, the unexpected change and know it’s OK.

.:26:. Let it Be | My memories + a great reminder for all.

Posted in childhood, family, memories, Motherhood, Parenthood, parenting by

siblings

This is a favorite sibling photo of mine, but for this post add a few more years and a few more colors to my striped turtle neck…

Paul McCartney rings in my ears and I reminisce back to road trips as a kid. Six of us in our tan and brown suburban listening to the Beatles while on our way to a new campsite to explore. Sailboards strapped to the top, bikes clanking on the trailer, and the cab packed perfectly like a winning Tetris game. We all have unique memories from our childhood. Different moments that stand out more than others. For me, I often think of these car trips and how I could sing along to most Beatles songs since they were the soundtrack to many of our family trips. At least this is how I remember it.

My oldest brother probably listening to something more current on his yellow walkman while passionately drumming on his leg (Van Halen or Def Leppard make for some great leg drumming) and my other brother practicing card tricks to surprise us with at our campfire breakfast while chomping on Big League Chew. My sister paging through a Babysitter’s Club book in her white Keds and stonewashed jeans and my mom gripping on to an empty Wonder Bread bag just waiting for someone to get car sick. My Dad singing along to the Beatles and frequently sharing a cool fact about the Beatles or something fascinating about nature and me writing an especially awesome entry in my top secret diary or working on my 100th friendship bracelet – pinned to my pants.

Now, as a parent I get caught in the crazy moments and forget to just Let it Be. Written actually for his Mother Mary who told her son to “let it be” in a dream, this song plays in my head more often than I realize. Must be a mother thing…When I take a step back from the chaos of parenting, take a breath and actually soak it all in, I can faintly hear that Beatles song playing as if I were a kid again in the back of that suburban. No cares, no worries, no fears. Just dreaming about roasted marshmallows, skipping rocks, and where to hide the key to my diary.

Too often we get lost in the intensity of parenting. The control we think we have and try so hard to manage. But that control, that plan we are following and lists we are checking are just clutter. Clutter in our brains and our hearts, getting in the way of just letting it be. Clutter not allowing us to sing and act on this need in life. The day will come when we wish this clutter could consume us again so we could find ourselves making that big decision to let it be… while kids play, make messes, learn, create, and challenge us in more ways than anyone ever warned us about. At the same time, it is our job to help our children relax too. The toddler world I am living in now, is filled with silly emotions and a lot of frustration. I am learning to get down to their level, eye-to-eye and teach them how to ‘brush it off’, how to move on when things don’t go their way, and how to just let things be while “speaking words of wisdom”. I’ve even broken out in song and received crickets in the midst of a tantrum. Must be the shock of their mom joyfully singing at the top of her lungs while their current world is “falling apart”. But crickets are much better than desperate cries for help… because Barbie’s shoe is just too tiny to get on (I agree little one, I agree).

A healthy parent-child relationship is symbiotic in many ways, as we are essentially part of each other. We learn from each other and thrive because of each other and in some ways we cannot live without each other – or imagine life apart. So, I will do my best to practice what I am trying to preach to them and let it be. Let life happen as beautifully as it should while visions of leg drumming, magic tricks, babysitter clubs, and friendship bracelets dance in my head.

It’s amazing how great memories can seep back into your life at just the right time.

Mr. McCartney’s Mom was a wise woman – thank you, Mary.

.:25:. PLAY, It’s simple.

Posted in family, Motherhood, parenting, play, toddler life, twin mama, Uncategorized by

 This morning I woke up with my girls and asked (as I do every morning), “what do you want to do today?”, and (as they do every morning), they excitedly responded by saying, “PLAY!!!”.

In the complex and constantly developing mind of a child, play is simple. It’s basic and requires minimal effort to ignite joy and fulfillment. Encouraging imagination isn’t complicated… with the use of tangible or intangible tools, PLAY is happening all the time in the mind of our kiddos and it becomes even more exciting, fulfilling and memorable when we also participate. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t “play” with my children every second of the day and they don’t want me to. They need to play with others and they definitely need to play alone. This is all part of their development.

However, too many parents get carried away by it all and (at times) I am one of them. They structure the day so tightly that they forget that play has to happen naturally. I reflected back on a day last week. Someone asked what we did and I blankly said “nothing”. I felt a bit unproductive, like a bad and lazy mom, and slightly embarrassed that we didn’t do anything on a beautiful day. But wait!!! We did so much more than nothing.

Danced and tumbled in the grass. We practiced somersaults and rolled down the hill, made angels in the grass and compared it to the snow that will come before we know it! We looked at the clouds while talking about the scratchy grass on our backs, and noticed the smell of summer in the air. Practiced whistling like the birds and counted the small planes departing from the local airport.

Read. They listened to my words attentively and made visual connections with the shapes of the letters and the imagery in the book. They recognized when I skipped a word, pointed out the yellow hat on the man, and counted all the fruit that very hungry caterpillar ate.

Pretended. We are at a fun stage. My girls love pretending. They acted out scenes from a favorite story, they made up their own story with an exciting “once upon a time” and a joyful “the end!”, they pretended to be the animals at the zoo, a doctor to their toys (fixing ‘owies’ and checking hearts) and they sweetly rocked and changed their babies like the little mommies they are.

^ This may seem like nothing, but to your child it’s exactly what they want and need!

Parents!!! Enough with the pressure. You don’t need to go places all the time. You don’t need to be so busy. You don’t need to have the best and biggest toys. Play does not require a plan. It’s doesn’t require a location, a certain day, and it definitely doesn’t require a reason! Play happens every single second of the day for children and it’s important that we recognize this with encouragement and support. I am not doing “nothing” when all of the above is accomplished in one morning. We are busy bonding, building brains and making memories.

With all of this in mind, I love going places with my children and I appreciate the importance of learning and exploring other places than home. But, what I’m also learning is to ignore the pressure and not feel so bad when we do stay home to PLAY. If you’re the type of person that needs to get out all the time, I commend you and I am sure you are making wonderful memories… but just know that when you stay home, you are still surrounded by many opportunities for your kids to PLAY, explore, learn and simply be happy.

Some days it’s just too much to expend all my morning energy into packing a car for two kids, quickly dressing pokey children, eating on the run, and skipping naps. It’s just not always worth it.

I encourage you, you reading this, you with the to-do list in your hand and the plan ready to be implemented. STOP for a moment and just let your littles PLAY at their own pace.

One day, they will leave the house and you will beg for them to come home as much as they can. Enjoy these days, these simple days of PLAY while it lasts… and go roll in the grass with them!

THAT is what PLAY is all about. Simple, beautiful, PLAY.

.:24:. To Err.

Posted in family, Motherhood, Parenthood, parenting, patience, toddler life, Uncategorized by

lemonplant

:: when life gives you a lemon plant, have patience and watch those lemons grow!


During pregnancy or preparing for baby and the first years that follow, parents turn into walking talking teaching machines (and many years after). Trying to avoid error in parenting, perhaps? Unfortunately, error is inevitable.

| To err is human; to forgive is divine.” |                            – Alexander Pope

________________

Well, thank you Mr. Pope but forgiveness to oneself can be difficult and doesn’t feel very divine when I can’t seem to figure out my newborn’s needs, when I’m up all night with an uncomfortable child who can’t tell me what’s wrong, when a kiss on a boo boo is not the answer, when I first heard the words, “I don’t want you, mama.”

>Where did I go wrong? <<

What happened to my machine… that teaches “right” and “best”. How did I err and why does it not feel human?

This is so easy to think and so easy to point the finger at yourself. “Going wrong” is just not the route I thought I took. From the start I did what I was suppose to do.

________________

Per the suggestion of some psychologist somewhere I remember reading children’s books out loud while my little girls developed inside me. Even before that I quickly had my hands on parenting books – making sure my husband and I were well prepared to raise smart, curious and wonderful little people.

>This is where I went wrong.<<

Well, kind of. I’m not saying being prepared, educated and excited is wrong but…

I didn’t allow myself to just be. I found myself referencing every “how-to” book and following steps like a puppet. When I let certain things work themselves out and I relied on my gut for answers – those were the moments we I learned so much more. To watch in awe as their little brains developed. Physiological and emotional growth cannot be fully controlled by anyone else, but that being. It’s a beautiful thing that we (parents) think we have so much control over. We have a little more control at the beginning and then we pray (really hard), that are teachings help them decide what is “right” and “best” as they go from scooting to running a marathon right before out eyes. While they are figuring it all out… they will ERR and it will be ok – especially if we are there to tell them that it’s all ok because they are HUMAN.

We don’t get a report card to see how we’re doing with our children. We don’t get to meet with a coach who high fives us for our victories or benches us for our faults. What we get is this…

>without request, unprompted<< children who say “I wub you mama”. who look you in the eyes and say “thank you”… and then “you’re welcome” – because that’s how they hear it ☺️.  Who joyfully sing their ABCs and really everyother song you sing together. Who surprise you by counting past 10 one day (did I teach them that?) and curiously ask and tell me what color everything in the world is.

They are determined to complete tasks on their own, gently pushing me away… This is new to me. I’m proud but a tiny bit sad that my babies have hit the ‘no mama, I can do it’ stage. They are particular when it comes to colors and specific when we choose books. Decisions are complicated but powerful. When they make one, their excited eyes delight with joy and confidence… “I will brush my own teeth, mama!” “No mama, I will read the book.” “I don’t need to hold your hand, mama.” “I can do it ALL by myself.” This confidence amazes me. They can’t be trusted to do all the above by themselves just yet, but I can’t get in the way of letting them err.  We’ve all heard this and have probably said it before but, they need to fail before they succeed. The common conflict and result from failure is the fear to keep trying, the fear that failure may occur again. We can’t allow this fear in our children and at the same time, we can’t allow this fear in ourselves. We are HUMAN and we need to watch our little ones err, praise them for trying and encourage them to continue, while showing them that we also err and keep going.

As a parent, the most difficult part for me is knowing that they can keep going through failure in all aspects of life. That they can forgive themselves and others who may fail. I will not always be there to offer a helping hand or a wise word when someone shames them for failing, when someone discourages them or denies them the ability to succeed. But I can give them the best tools to embrace err, positively respond to negativity, succeed in their own way and be happy and confident little people.

Thank you Mr. Pope for shedding so much light on us humans – even before your fellow innovator, Mr. Edison, brought us an actual light.

Now, I must get on with my day… embracing err along the way.

 

.:23:. // hibernation \\ 

Posted in family, hibernation, mama bear, Motherhood, Parenthood, parenting, toddler life, twin mama, twin parent, winter by

SONY DSC
SONY DSC

^Bear cub A (Lainy) – – – – Bear cub B (Hannah)^

A few months ago (right before the real cold set in), I went on a chilly walk with my two little ones. We strolled past a grassy den-like cove, that looked as though it could be a perfect spot for a bear to fluff her pillows and chill until spring. I discussed this scenario with my girls – how bears hibernate, taking long naps until “the snow starts to melt and pretty little flowers bloom!” I made it sound very desirable with subtle persuasive cues alluding to how wonderful sleeping is.  …praying they would take a nice long nap when we got home.

Then I had one of those moments, as we continued our walk in silence… One of those daydream moments. I imagined myself nestled in that cozy spot, laying on freshly fluffed pillows, getting a wonderfully long nap… Just like a mama bear (in my story, bears love fluffy pillows). I imagined someone graciously bringing my girls home to their beds while I snuggle up in that den and get lost in sleep. Unfortunately,  I’ve been cursed with a terrible ability to nap – I’m not typical mama bear material… but the “daddy” bear I share my fluffy space with has a pretty comfortable relationship with hibernation ;).

_______________

taken by one of my children and very fitting as this is the typical view of my lower half…

As a Minnesotan, I’ve proudly worn my puffy parka and big-ole-furry boots to the grocery store. I love when big pretty snowflakes fall from the sky, I can handle below zero weather and dark winter mornings haven’t kept me from being a morning person. – – – But as a mama in Minnesota, I now have my puffy parka pockets full of Kleenex, bandaids, disney chapstick, extra tiny gloves, crumbs of some sort, something sticky or just plain unknown… My big-ole furry boots once looked cute when I wore my sassy skinny jeans but now they stare up at me partially covered by my yoga pants and yell “get a hold of yourself! What is happening here?!”. Oh, and mornings… I’m still (what some might consider) a morning person. However, sluggishly rolling out of bed has become a more common introduction to the day. We push ourselves out the door like a roll of Pillsbury dough… you know the ones that “POP” open when you peel them and hit the container against the counter (release of aggression, EH?). Well, I’m not aggressive… and I’m not Canadian but their is a small sense of fulfillment when that tube pops open.  Where in the world am I going with this? This is exactly how we get out of the house. After all of the getting un-dressed/dressed/brushing teeth/throwing little tantrums/trying to look like tame sweet bears… once we “POP” out of our cozy den of a home, their is a huge sense of fulfillment + accomplishment. Really? Yes, with two toddlers who love playing in diapers and have a strong sense of determination when it comes to dressing themselves – inside out . upside down . slowly but surely – getting out of the house feels like I completed a marathon some days, and I only have two!

IMG_5641

Me + my bundled little cubs, just to walk into the mall…

Motherhood is tiring. Just ask any mama bear… Go ahead, she’ll tell you exactly why she naps for so long. Because she NEEDS it! Or she’ll growl and claw at you, due lack of sleep and frequent interruption of the hibernation she’s seeking.

>Funny story<<

Their once was a tired mama bear who never hibernated and she was extremely exhausted, and possibly a little irritable. With a smile and many sighs, she did what she could to keep her ‘coat’ clean and fluffy, her den in order and her cubs content. However…

…some growls and sharp claws may have come out a few times……..maybe.

The end.<<
Unfortunately, us mamas don’t get to nap like real mama bears, but we definitely deserve a break and time to ourselves. We need a little R&R, we need to slow down, take deeper breathes, fluff those pillows and chill until spring. Winter can really drag a mom down and wear her out – especially after months of being continuous toddler entertainment, while (mostly) indoors.

Now, excuse me while I go fluff my pillows in my den and close my eyes for a few months…

…or minutes. (very easy to get those two confused).

 

IMG_1306

 

 

///\\\

I’ll let daddy bear take over.

 

 

 

 

>Follow Ladybugs + Jumping Beans :: LBJB on Facebook too https://www.facebook.com/ladybugsjumpingbeans/

.:22:. >>2016<< a new year | a new version | no need for resolution.

Posted in celebrate, family, Motherhood, new year, Parenthood, parenting, patience, resolution, toddler life by

 

my mini juviniles : Lainybug (L), Hannah bean (R)

–>> a H A P P Y new year.

ball drops | clean slate | the year is NEW and so are you!

The year of chalk art, glitter + selfies has ended… Ha. Just kidding! I’m pretty sure all of the above will just become more 2016ish.

I’m not really one for resolutions.  However, the idea of them is exciting and trying to work on something NEW is great, but I’m fully aware and accepting of the fact that in many ways I may return to myself from the previous year and continue with the routine of life that I’m comfortable with. If you can believe it, I do consider myself a very optimistic person (even though this may not read that way)…

I’m not saying I can’t or won’t start something new, I’m not saying I won’t make or accomplish goals and I’m not faulting those who do make huge changes. To be honest… my belief is that a change of a date and the transition of a new year shouldn’t be what ignites significant change. BUT, our society says it should and well… it works for many people. On the flip side, a new year can leave some people dissapointed, ashamed, doubtful, and unhappy that they couldn’t follow through… that they couldn’t make a real change… that they didn’t see purpose for anything new in their life. Sadly, this view is reality for more people than you might imagine.

So, my plan is to make it simple by taking a general+neutral route and be OK with what will happen this year and what will not happen. I still have goals but the result of accomplishing those goals is not fully dependent on a single date (for me).

If I really had to put these thoughts in the form of a Resolution it would probably go something like this…

In 2016 : Unpredictable, exciting, and sometimes planful events will define the 2016 version of myself and (honestly), my goal this year is… to be OK with however that may happen.

 

Much of what I’m saying, or trying to explain has almost everything to do with the mini juveniles I’ve happily shared a roof with for the past two years. These two (lady bugs and jumping beans) have truly molded me into the person I am right now. Just as they do with their play dough – today I stand tall like a lime green tree and tomorrow I may be a colorful blob on the floor. As a mom of two toddlers, my goals/my plans/my life in general is wholehartedly unpredictable now. Ok, we still make “plans” per say but I’ve learned to roll with the punches more than I ever imagined. My past “go go go” way of living hasn’t fully left me, but I am noticing the need to slow down – especially for my two peanuts whose little leggies can’t keep up with mine all the time.  Now, I’m learning to stop more often and rest with my girls – even when we should be moving and getting things done. I’m taking more moments to really look my children in the eyes when we talk and truly see them learning, understanding and discovering something new!

Prior to children, I had big goals – I made resolutions – and at the end of the year I found myself with mixed feelings… content with the achievement of certain attainable goals as well as disappointed for not reaching goals that I said I would reach. I don’t want my children to see this side of a new year. I don’t want them to think that a date really has the power to make them someone else, give them the ability to be superwomen at the “drop of a ball”, let them make unnecessary changes – just to make a change, I want them to be happy with how life unfolds. I want them to know that they can be superwomen without huge changes, even without telling the world about it… and that’s OK.

My Type A side : has made goals and loves making “to-do” lists of lists… of lists. The realist in me understands how these lists will work – they will be rewritten and rewritten. At the end of the year, I can look back and say…

…I made some pretty great lists and well, I am OK with that.

…I accomplished x y z and well, I am OK with that too.

…I watched my two little people grow, learn and explore a world filled with crazy expectations and well – – – we will all be ok!

Their is something to say about looking back onto a year and simply being content with all that it had to offer and in many ways surprised by unexpected successes!

NYE2016LBJBQuote

 

.:21:. switch :|: flipped

Posted in family, Motherhood, Parenthood, parenting, terrible twos, toddler life, twin mama, twin parent by


Almost 3 months ago we celebrated 2nd Birthdays!

I love planning these little get togethers, and going a little overboard for our little ones that still know very little about the world. Although, it was fun planning and joking that… if Pinterest didn’t exist we would all just be staring at each other and wondering: what the theme was, where the mason jars and chevron patterned napkins were hiding and why I didn’t build a life size wooden ark out of old pallets (throat clear) – our theme was Noah’s Ark Two by Two… and no, I did not build an Ark.

>>I would say less than 24 hours after 8:30am and 8:32am on 6/29/15 – something changed…

Summer had already begun but our official welcome to the sunny days ahead was that of two year olds that took over our world, with open arms and sticky fingers. I remember one night after they turned (two), my husband and I had just collapsed on our bed after a challenging bedtime routine. I imagined my sweet girls slowly morphing from fluffy pink princess gowns and smiles, into chains and leather flashing me their gang signs and gold teeth… yelling, “what? you can’t handle this?! well, get ready cuz we’re TWO!”  Little did I know this envision was kinda-sorta a premonition. After that sweet day of celebration filled with good company, yummy food and a song or two, I feel as though it’s safe to say that the switch has been flipped. You know, the “I’m a toddler” on/off  switch. It’s technically on auto-pilot and after reading the instructions, a special set of skills (along with major growth and development) is required before it can be turned “off”. I hear this can take years… err, maybe that’s just what it feels like. Well, due to small clues and warning signs… I had a feeling this phase was approaching – kind of like a flickering light during a storm. As if to say, “find shelter, it’s about to get loud, scary and dark! …and their is nothing you can do about it.”

 

from…

 to…

looks at those faces >>total gangsters<<

With two little ones (especially twins), I’ve been given more advice than I ever signed up for. Recent advice has revolved around this infamous stage ~  the “terrible twos”. I’m told it actually begins at age three. Which, by the way, is not something a mom of twins wants to hear. Ok, let’s be real… nobody wants to hear that, especially while already lacking sleep and trying to “shhhhhush” a screamer or two in the middle of the grocery store. I’ve been told that it’s going to be “so hard with twins” (while getting a quick pat on the back followed by a semi-serious thumbs-up and a dash to get away as if I had a terrible virus). I’ve also heard that it’s really a “trying time”, a true “test of parenthood”… a struggle, a challenge and the list of partially negative descriptions goes on.

WELP, we’re “on”. We’re live, the doors have been kicked open (and kicked and kicked, and pushed and kicked) and there is no turning back. You know back to those warm cuddly baby days – when they just cooed and stared deeply into your eyes until they fell asleep. Or those days when I could tell you exactly when I was going to get a break because naps were predictable. Oh wait, even those days when I could eat a meal without two sets of hands playing with my food – because when you’re two, you’re way too good for highchairs (at least that’s what our girls have decided).

 

goodbye high chairs > bibs + shirts are optional.

Here’s the catch – they are growing and developing like any other human and it’s not suppose to be easy. But it sure puts a cramp in my ‘chill’ style. Yes, as a mom I feel fairly ‘chill’ on occasion. I have days that I think, I finally got this and everything is “kinda-sorta” under control. I’m not trying to make any moms feel bad, because I know not everyone feels this way. I will tell you that this feeling or moment has been short lived lately, but it still gives me a nice little boost. Now, (more often) I am exhausted and trying to keep up with the pace at which my little ones are changing. I’m not sure how to exactly explain this but if you add some bad hair and bags under the beady/perky eyes of the “one eye shut/tongue sticking out emoji” >>> that’s me to a “T”! My two 2-year olds have successfully figured out how to make me look like the crazy emoji.

>> 😜 << like that, just like that!

The SUMMER OF 15 has been quite the intro to this new stage of life. 1. Language development and communication have blown my mind and 2. the emotional side of (probably) raising girls has slapped us in the face and definitely 3. strength and confidence have decided to be BFFs, but they rarely agree with each other.

:1.Language: It’s fascinating to watch my own children learn how to communicate, try to understand and listen to them repeat every word they hear. Oh, I’ll back up <<<< EVERY word they hear. We don’t (really) have potty mouths, but I’ll just let you imagine (anything anyone says, wherever we may be… they say and then they repeat it 10 times – – – or 30 times). I can understand most of what they say, but when I don’t… it’s A. just a cute, fun little guessing game or B. a sad and angry little face that says “you’re MY mom, you should know what I’m saying”… I’ll admit, they’re doing a great job with clarity and pronunciation but when we don’t understand what they’re trying to tell us, it’s as if we’re the alien on their planet and if we can’t translate within the next milisecond we’ll be sent back to a horrific planet (probably filled with DINKS basking in the sun – – oh, I remember those days).

BUT, at the end of summer I was proud to hear my little ones count to ten, recite their “ABCs”, politely ask for things using the highly desirable “please” and “thank you” and actually have a conversation (“kinda-sorta”).

:2.Emotions:

 

Tantrums and crocodile tears will appear with no warning… over lack of song singing, too much singing, being too clean or too dirty, broken crackers, lack of sharing, the natural and competitive nature of twins who enjoy copying each other but also want to be the one that did it first. This whole “copying each other” is pretty cute… While CUTE, it’s also deceiving. I have a couple dramatic princesses. Many times I have thought about counting the frequency of “whiny moments” and then I realize these moments are sometimes too hard to separate. I’m sure this is probably the thought running through their heads, on repeat… “It is so hard to be a child, a child living in a safe home with fun toys, healthy food and happy parents who love me.” But really – what is with the whining? It is the current soundtrack of my life and I’m not sure if this is wise for me to admit, but I’m starting to dance to it – – because it’s the only way I can remain sane (along with a glass of wine). I think… if I’m dancing to their cries+screams (after trying every way I know to solve the problem) then they’ll eventually calm down and dance with me! Better than getting angry, because… I’ve also been told that this stage will really “challenge your emotions as a parent”. I’m not saying I’ve never been angry or exposed my frustration to my little life learners but I try to remind myself that this is going to be a very very distant memory someday (sadly) and when I can look on the bright side and tune out the craziness, life is so much better!!!

:3.Strength + Confidence:

Strength >>”Oh, hey there! I’m really super strong (I think).”

Confidence >>”Hey! I’m incredibly confident, we should be BFFs.”

Ok, so I wasn’t there when this decision was made and handshakes were exchanged between these two valuable traits… traits that I’m proud my two year olds uphold, but need a little lesson on managing them as a unit.

At times my children (like most) believe they are invincible and indestructible, climbing anything, diving into and off of everything… I love watching my girls explore and really use their imagination but we have yet to learn about fear and danger. However, I do have one fairly cautious gal (Hannah) and one who takes the lead (in many cases) and attempts “the impossible!”. As stated above… one thing about having two is that they do “copy each other”. So, cautious Hannah will watch and observe the accomplished or failed feat of her brave sis, Lainy, and then make a decision based on the results. Sounds like a simple and smart move. Then, she just goes for it in her own invincible way… because why would she miss out on that opportunity?! Luckily, cool bandaids and kissing ‘owies’ have been a pretty good cure so far.

However, I’d like to have a word with our pals, Strength + Confidence and say… “first of all, thank you for befriending my children but can you please play well together, be patient with each other and don’t over do it?!” All I want is a little more balance in this area. HA! Toddler life doesn’t have much (if any) room for balance.

>>As we welcome fall, I reflect back onto this new stage we’ve entered and I’m in awe at how our babies have turned into walking talking (sometimes sassy) people, right before our eyes and ears, and in such a short time!

We lost a little more sleep in these past few months, we’ve been challenged with the (expected) language barrier, we’re working on maintaining our sanity through unpredictable emotions, we’ve started potty training (kinda-sorta) and watched our two monkeys tackle strength and confidence while learning how to climb in and out of their cribs and release themselves into the world with little warning. We learned that car rides longer than an hour can quickly increase our heart rate and make earmuffs very desirable, even in the summer (our 6+ hour road trip this summer was a joy 😜).

Numbers, words and new sentences fall out of their mouths like cracker crumbs along with very high pitched screams. Their little minds are constantly ON. I anticipate a fall and winter filled with even more energy, excitement and probably a little more whining (and wine), but I want to thank Summer for welcoming us into this crazy world of #toddlerlife…

~~~>(sending good vibes to all who will be cooped up with toddlers this winter). To all parents ready to enter this stage or already in this stage… hang in their, hold on tight and know that their is a bright light at the end of the tunnel. Eventhough it’s hard to see at times, this is a fascinating period of growth and development.

Embrace it as much as you can… especially before the chains and gang signs come out!

___________________

>>the best part about his stage (as crazy as it can be), we are making so many great memories!!<<

you can never take enough pictures!

 

.:20:. This Mom life. {I’m getting it}

Posted in family, Mother's Day, Motherhood by

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More experience, longer amounts of sleep, a little more patience, thicker skin and a lot of emotional exposure…

This Mom life – – I feel as though I can say I’m getting it!

…at least more than I could say last year and much more than I could before I became a mother.

I get that it’s hard, stressful + exhausting. I get that it’s perfect, wonderful + absolutely amazing. Whether you have one or ten kids, chaos + beauty have no limits, they can be hard to separate and will change in definition each day.

In the past couple years I can say that I’ve found myself inpatient, fearful, concerned, overwhelmed, weak, helpless, exhausted, protective, critical, defensive, offended, stressed out, defeated…

But mostly and overall I am grateful, proud, amazed, blessed, strong, incredibly thankful, and so very much in love.

You might wonder why I would even share my negatives… Thankfully, these negative moments are shallow and short lived and tend to be graciously followed up by a deep positive that remains constant. Admitting to all the negatives is a little uncomfortable and yes, we can control our feelings. But I don’t believe I’m alone on this and if anyone tells me that they’ve felt none of the above (as a parent or mom), then I would love to know where you get your magic potions, which planet you reside on and I assume you click your heels and twitch your nose.

I think it’s necessary that we (mom’s) shed a little light on the truth. It’s not easy. Nobody understands our job, our role, our day, our struggles, our feelings besides us. We can seek advice or help and find a quick fix, a moment of encouragement or feeling of confidence but what nobody will ever understand is what goes on in our minds and exactly how our hearts and souls feel. In all our moments of glory and every moment of loss, WE may not even understand. But what we do know is that eventhough we hold the same title as “mom”, our motherhood experiences differ vastly.

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…even when we don’t think we have the time.

Whether you stay at home or seek balance between work and life… we all need to think twice before we judge our fellow Moms who were “called” for this role, just like we were. It can be so easy to misinterpret what we see on the outside, and (at times) difficult to look past perfection or disaster. We are all doing what we were meant to do. We are being the best MOMs we can be in the best way we know how – faults and all.

So, at the end of the day, when the kids are in their cozy slumber and all is calm – I’m learning to take a deep breath and know that all the good, bad and ugly I encounter from compliment to judgement… is just part of the formula that makes me MOM and how I handle it is what makes me human.

 

This Mom life – – I love it! Yes, my hands are full but my heart is overflowing…

From one {grateful, proud, amazed, blessed, strong, thankful and so very much in love} mother to another.

>>>Happy Mother’s Day<<<

.:19:. This thing called “bond”.

Posted in family, Motherhood, National Sibling Day, Parenthood, Uncategorized by

 

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Alaina (left) + Hannah (right): 20 months

April 10th marks National Sibling Day (according to someone, somewhere). I like to jump on bandwagons sometimes and celebrate random things. But this to me, this isn’t as random as one might think. I truly think this is something to be celebrated. The blessing of a sibling is amazing. We are born adoring our family, defending, protecting, and looking up to them. We soon find our own identity, we make our own choices and at some point we branch out and form our own life and family. But we never forget where we began. We may have our differences, strong views and perspectives in life, we may even lose touch or drift apart, but something holds us together – a memory, a story, a person… weak or strong, we always have a BOND.

I may be a dreamer, as I imagine my girls will remain best friends for the rest of their lives, thinking about how they’ll make the news… “90 Year Old Twins, Still Best Friends” (as they giggle over tea and hold hands).  Of course, my husband and I will be 120 living in a glorious place probably learning about such news via SKYpe (get it?). ah ha, ok (and I will not be a retired comedian).

Since day 1, I have been fascinated with this world of twins.  How special it is to raise two at once.  Chaotic and challenging in it’s own right, but this unique bond is simply amazing. I really wouldn’t trade this experience for anything. I am always surprised, taken aback and even a little offended (but I get over that quickly) when I get those looks of “good luck” or “no thank you”, as if raising twins would be the most horrible thing ever. I’ll tell you, it is not. Watching them grow up together is really the best thing ever.

{the beginning}
I recently found myself reflecting back on day 1, when my girls came into this world together, well… 2 min apart.

After a shocking welcome, followed by gasping screams of “I’m here!!!” my babies’ fears seemed to subside when they were near each other. When I first held them together, it was beautiful… and when they made eye contact, as blurry and non-identafiable as I’m sure it was, I could see their heart rates increase on the monitors. As a first time mom, with preemies, and in the Special Care Nursery, I was actually scared “what was happening?”, but I quickly understood.

hospital girls

 

Eyes locked. hearts raced. hands touched. tiny coos emited from the mouths of two. two babes. sisters. twin sisters.

As I stared at two sets of tiny everything, my mind raced with wonder.

Do they know…

they lie beside a tiny shoulder they will someday cry on, another set of feet they will run and dance with, another mouth to chat and giggle with, hands to hold and hug each other with?

what fun they will have exploring this world together?

how much they love each other?

how much they’ve changed our lives?

{and the rest of their life}
I cannot predict their future, but I can pray that they remain beside each other. I pray they find comfort on each other’s shoulders when that time is needed.  I hope they can keep up with each other and wait for one another…even when one wants to go fast and the other wants to slow down. I hope they can speak the truth and advise each other while holding back words of regret. I pray they can support each other as they sometimes “learn the hard way” and as they make those big life decisions (college, career, love, family). Through thick and thin, good and bad.  Sisters, siblings, what a wonderful bond.

Watching my two innocent sweet baby girls grow right before my eyes, is more than a blessing, it’s an honor to be their “mama”.  I am determined to guide them together, teach them to love each other and always have each other’s backs. Partners in crime (to be expected), both of my social gals are beautifully unique; outgoing, silly, wispy strawberry blonde (Alaina) and timid, serious, clever, brunette (Hannah). It is so awesome to watch them teach and learn from each other as they explore the world in their own way. They had one another before I even knew them and I pray this amazing and unique bond will only strengthen throughout the years.

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tummy time + learning to sit is pretty fun with a partner.

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“I wub sissy” is a favorite phrase.

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Now, at almost 2 years old, I watch my once preemie girls learn to comfort and defend each other. With caution and delight I witness their precarious wobbly run as they excitedly chase one another. I can’t help but belly laugh along with them as they roll around on the floor or dance their little hearts out – clapping, screaming and stomping their feet ~ I’ve never seen such passionate little dancers. Waking up to their chit chat/giggle sessions is simply wonderful. And the hugging… Well, it may result in a tackle on the floor but it’s all good intentions!

This thing called BOND… I think they’re getting it.

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::Happy National Sibling Day::

.:16:. Parents “away” {first trip post-kids}

Posted in family, Motherhood, Parenthood, travel by

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As a new mom, my job description in life has really changed. My duties have been forever altered in order to manage the two subordinates I call my sweet little baby girls. They have relied on me to not only give them life but to give them me and all of me.  I’ve learned that in order to do this, I’ve needed to find ways to keep myself sane. Mom’s NEED this.  They need time with other women, they need actual alone time with their husbands, they need to sip on wine in peace and chug a coffee or two while indulging in some good-ole-fashion tv ;).

…and they NEED a vacation (so do Dads).

Our first trip as parents and first time away from the girls came with mixed feelings. Besides the overwhelming task of detailing my children’s daily routine/mealtime, there was more weighing on my mind… 1. We didn’t even plan it, so until we boarded the plane I wasn’t sure if I was dreaming.  I’ll explain later. 2. I’ve never been away from my girls for more than a few hours.  So, I was excited but also nervous to pass onto someone else, two toddlers – who are bursting at the seams to welcome us all into the world of the “terrible twos”. 3. My husband and I haven’t been alone and away together for a long time and I knew there would be a strange void without our girls but we really needed this. 4. We would be gone for just over a few days, and they were in great hands. But, I had an odd guilt about it. I almost felt bad that I was so excited to get away! Then, on the flip side I felt sad that they were missing out on this experience with us. I knew neither was true. If you can’t tell, I put way too much thought and emotion into most things in my life (ha). Can I blame that on being a mom?! …and pretend I wasn’t like this before I was a mom?! In the end, I was able to succumb and officially turn my out-of-office to “away”. Ok, my office is home and (as stated above) my subordinates are my little girls. Let’s just say I found a way to let it all go.  Sorry…for the song you’re most likely singing in your head right now.

Now, back to this vacation that we didn’t plan…

So, in the fall of 2013, I found myself on a regular schedule alone with two new babies. This became a redundant, exhausting, repetitive schedule and I needed to find something to keep me from going too stir crazy with two little ones. The Today show became my outlet. Specifically the 4th Hour with Kathie Lee Gifford and Hoda Kotb. As I chugged a coffee or two and indulged in good-ole-fashion TV, I found my sanity in the candor of these two women. I laughed at their crazy jokes, I (mostly) related to the topics of discussion and instantly became a fan! Such a big fan that I decided to submit an entry as a “Fan of the Week” in January of 2014.  Fast forward 4 months and I got a call that I was chosen as a possible winner! I couldn’t believe it.  I never win anything. I actually thought it was a joke at first. I even asked that over the phone in a slightly annoyed voice. Who would do that?! Well, it wasn’t a joke and before I knew it I was on Skype, on National TV with my girls, winning a free trip to Cancun from KLG and Hoda! I shared a cheesy poem I wrote (yada yada) and talked very fast through my nerves. It was a thrill!

see my poetry skills below.

 

Before the sun peeks out to greet,

I grab my little ones who are ready to eat.

Get out my yawns, stretching head to toe,

turn on the Today Show and let the coffee flow.

 

After diapers then comes bottles and the day begins.

The 4th Hour strikes and we are joined by our friends,

KLG and Hoda, sharing all the cool trends.

 

They sip on their wine and everything is fine

They laugh, they cry, and have such a good time.

I feel lucky to spend the morning this way

What an absolutely fabulous start to my day!

i love klg and hoda

Hannah on the left + Lainy on the right, one of the photos we submitted!

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Top: Just before we won… I had to quickly explain to Hannah and Lainy what was going on and that they needed to behave very well ;). Bottom: Just after we won and the girls were very well behaved!

http://sys06-public.nbcnews.com/today/klgandhoda/mom-twins-shares-poem-about-klg-hoda-2D79778628

 

Since then, we’ve been looking forward to this trip! The past year has been filled with much less than enough sleep, (possibly) dangerous amounts of coffee, way too many diapers, spit up stains, bumps, bruises, drool and much more. It’s so nice that we could mix it up a bit and include some sand, sun, ocean, beachy elixirs, relaxation and time to just sit and do absolutely nothing (ahhh). I am incredibly grateful and flattered to have been chosen and have the chance to go on a vacation that otherwise would have never happened!

While “away”, we were the typical parents concerned for our children as they most likely were having the time of their life with their aunt and uncle, cousins and grandmas. Yet, we still worried – are they going to be ok without us?, are they sad?, oh I bet they miss us! We called everyday and used FaceTime to see our girls (or their blurry little squirmy bodies). Everything was fine but we were now unfamiliar with not caring and letting loose like we used to. However, we quickly turned that around and enjoyed every moment the best we could… parasailing, snorkeling, sailing, kayaking, and thoroughly soaking up the sun. Our vitamin D intake had been depleted from our MN hibernation, and we were desperately in need of this recharge!

Well, we sure did love the little break and I think every couple needs time away to reconnect and just breathe together – while sipping a mojito (my favorite) with feet in the sand and a sun setting over the ocean. Or, anywhere in the world that takes you out of the daily grind and back to just being you two.

~Feeling more than blessed~